Portrait of a Man Who Doesn't Exist

Another day of feeling down, getting a random burst of optimism, and then feeling down again. Elver as a backing voice came back. Never know when he'd going to show up. Stared at some girls. I've been feeling like nothing lately, except when I get in front of that imaginary audience again. Still the only dream that keeps me going. I talked to my therapist, it's nice to just be able to vent even though I can't make him understand. He told me I could do anything I set my mind too. He doesn't know that's a threat.

When I was about 19 or so, I used to think about killing myself. "Not because I'm unhappy" I used to say to myself while starting down the side of the bridge "but simply because I'm so happy right now and it's only going to be downhill from here". My loved ones will all slowly die and it will be miserable. Right now I'm surrounded by love and I'm comfortable. But I knew how selfish that was, so I didn't act on it. It was perhaps a young, naive, sheltered mindset. The thing is, I was entirely right. I lost loved ones and it did change everything. My brain doesn't feel like it used to, my thoughts not as sharp, my memories hazy through a fog of pain. I felt like I lost my soul back in 2020 and it hasn't returned since. I can't care about things the way I used to. I don't flinch at the worst news of my life. People told me I would gain new relationships to replace the old ones, but new friends are just people, people to lose, t...

I really should have started this back in January....I guess it's better late than never. I'm losing track of everything, and I don't know why. I need to write something down.